


Something To Believe In

by Ellienerd14



Category: Solitaire - Alice Oseman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bands, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, The Solitaire IWBFT au no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28507422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellienerd14/pseuds/Ellienerd14
Summary: Tori Spring is keyboardist for indie band Solitaire. But with the growing pressure that comes with the band's success, she's starting to feel more and more trapped. How far will she go to escape the world of fame?Our first album was only three years ago, but sixteen-year-old Tori already feels like a different person. I look at my younger self, hiding behind a keyboard and the awful long hair I used to have, and I can never decide if I miss being her or not.
Relationships: (pre) Michael Holden/Victoria "Tori" Spring
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Something To Believe In

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @raspberry-arev for the Osemanverse secret Santa, who requested something Tori related or IWBFT. So I combined them both, with Tori in a band! I hope you like it! I have a lot more ideas for this universe so I may return to it one day!

**NOW**

“Oh my God! Tori!” 

I half expected angry yelling. But it’s the opposite, everyones just staring at me in silence. 

“Um, hi guys.” I push my wet hair out my face. “Look, I’m sorry I-” 

“Where did you go?” Charlie asks softly. “You just disappeared-” 

“We thought you left the band.” 

Becky elbows Lucas. “We thought something bad happened.” 

“I nearly did leave the band.” 

Michael wraps a blanket around my shoulders, his hands linger there for a moment, as if he’s considering giving me a hug. Instead, he asks: “Tori, seriously, are you okay?” 

“What did we miss?” Becky asks. “What aren’t you telling us? Aren't you happy anymore?” 

It’s hard not to laugh at the last one but it mostly comes out as a sob. 

I don’t know where to start.

* * *

**BEFORE**

“Smile Tori!” I blink back into the room as cameras flash around me. I have a bad habit of zoning out at these things, my mind wandering away as my brain goes into standby mode. When we started, photoshoots and interviews used to make us all nervous. Now it’s just another annoying thing to sit through and try to smile at. 

I’ve never been good at smiling. 

Charlie reaches for my hand and squeezes. He’s the only one who can get away with doing that without it being overanyalsed on Twitter. Half of the fans think I’m in love with Lucas (the other half Becky - something about a punk pastel couple thing) but a moment of sibling affection is okay. 

“Okay, can we get the girls in the middle now?” 

I let the assistants shuffle me around. I should probably be more enthusiastic but I can’t even remember what the shoot is for. Some music magazines I think. I wasn’t listening to the brief this morning. I wish I could feel more excited but truthfully I struggle to feel much of anything. I’m lucky that I’m meant to be the aloof one. 

“Well I’m starving,” Michael says as we head off to the dressing room. He messes around with the stupid glasses he’s wearing. He’s the cheerful one, although at least his band persona isn’t complete bullshit. Michael is just as sunny as he seems. 

“I’m with you.” Becky pulls her hair out of the long ponytail and shakes it. “Tori?” 

“Yeah, sure. Food. What time is it?” 

“Eight,” Lucas answers. “Good shoot guys, though you two could try looking more awake.” 

Me and Charlie exchange a look and shrug. “I'd be more awake if we didn’t have to wake up at six for these things.” 

“Well, we have an interview soon, so look alive.” 

“Can we get breakfast on the way?” Michael asks, as we follow Lucas out to our cars. 

At least someone has their priorities right. 

* * *

> **FEATURE: Bright-eyed, Bright Future - Solitaire Teases Their Second Album**
> 
> . **..There’s no denying the bright future for indie-pop band** **_Solitaire_. As lead singer and band front man Lucas Ryan put _‘we have a lot to look forward to, I see a lot of change and growth for the band’._ His prediction was met with agreement from his bandmates, who also promised an exciting new album next month _‘Burn It All Down’,_ following the success of their debut album _‘Solitaire’_ in 2016.... **

* * *

“I can’t believe she didn’t realise we were only _‘bright eyed’_ because we had Mcdonalds first.” Becky balls up the magazine and throws it at us. The photos look good, despite the fact I only had an hour's sleep the night before. With enough make-up and a distractingly pretty dress of crushed velvet, I actually look like a cool pop star. 

Today is a different matter. We don’t exactly have a day off. (when was our last day off?) but we’re travelling in our tour bus all day, so at least we can wear comfy pajamas. It’s times like these I actually feel like we’re actual teenagers. Like we’re actually friends. So much has changed since we were fourteen and Ollie was our only fan. It’s hard to believe I’m nineteen now. 

It’s our last chance to be actual teenagers. Our new album is going to bring more shows, a UK tour, maybe even Europe. More weeks on the road, more shows, more press events. My head hurts just thinking about it. 

Our first album was an unexpected success really. We only did two promo shows - one in Kent, one in a small club in London - but then Solitaire the album and Solitaire the band had blown up. It was only three years ago, but sixteen-year-old Tori already feels like a different person. I look at my younger self, hiding behind a keyboard and the awful long hair I used to have, and I can never decide if I miss being her or not. 

“Anyone wanna play Uno?” Michael suggests. He nudges my shoulder, pulling me away from my spiralling thoughts. “Don’t worry so much Tori,” he says, softly so only I hear. 

“I wasn’t-” 

He bops my nose, then the space above it. “You get a crinkle right there when you think too hard. Kinda cute.” 

“A new album, talk of a tour it’s all a big change.” _I don’t feel control of my life anymore,_ I almost add, _I can’t do this anymore, not on the scale they want._

“Maybe it will be fun!” Ever the optimist. “Besides, all the details are yet to be decided. We might as well enjoy being sloppy teenagers today. And whatever happens, you have me- I mean us. All of us.” He pushes the cards in my hand. “You’re best at shuffling.” 

I take the cards and shuffle them. The mindless repetitive moment is weirdly quite calming. Strangely enough, Uno does make me feel better. If I ignore our faces on the wall and soak in the laughter of my oldest friends, it’s almost normal. At least for today. 

* * *

> **SOLITAIRE charity show tickets sell out on the first day - are you one of the lucky fans who got one?**
> 
> ...Helping raise the hype for their new album, now only two weeks away, Solitaire delighted fans with an announcement of a charity show. The band will be raising awareness for MIND, a mental health charity that drummer Charlie Spring has credited as _‘life changing’._ This is the biggest show since Solitaire opened for fellow Kent-based band the Ark a year ago, but now it seems they can draw in their own crowds. Tickets sold out within the first twenty-four hours and the concert promises to be their biggest and best yet...

* * *

We’re all crammed backstage with hundreds of people dashing around us. At least three people have brushed some kind of make-up on my face and somehow I ended up with a bottle of water and a packet of M&Ms. I’m sure someone’s saying something important but tuned out somewhere along ‘biggest show we’ve ever played’. 

Besides me, Charlie is gripping his drumsticks so hard his hands have gone white. He’s doing better now but when we first started performing it would trigger his OCD so bad he couldn’t eat for days before. I try not to think too hard about that time - it was a dark place for us all - he has help now, a therapist, the world’s nicest boyfriend. He even manages to snack on a few M&Ms I push into his hands. 

“I don’t want to faint on stage again,” he whispers, referencing _the X-factor Incident._ (We don’t talk about it anymore. But it was bad. It was so, so bad.) 

“It’ll be okay,” I tell him because someone has to be kind and reassuring and I don’t know where Michael is. 

“Yeah?” 

I pat his leg. “Yeah.” 

I can hear the fans already, screaming for us. I don’t get why, it must hurt their throats. What’s so special about us? I know I should be grateful for them - and I am - but mostly they confuse me. I haven’t ever felt so connected so something I’d scream for it. 

“On in five!” Someone in a black headset shouts. 

I close my eyes and try to find something to believe in. 

* * *

> **Starstruck - Solitaire’s opening night success!**
> 
> ...The charity show was filled with nine thousand loyal Solitaire fans, who had queued in the heavy rain for the privilege of being the first to hear the band’s latest release. Videos of their melancholy new single _‘Quarter Life Crisis’_ trended on Twitter, with the song setting a high bar for the rest of _‘Burn It All Down’,_ releasing next Saturday… 

* * *

I hate parties. Even before we were big, I used to find a nice corner to sit in with lemonade and pretend I was somewhere else. I’m not like Becky or Lucas, who can charm anyone. I’m not like Michael, who can dance like an idiot and not care who’s looking at him. Even Charlie has Nick now. 

Celebrity parties are even worse. I usually claim to be tired and leave early, even though my bandmates know I’m the fine line between night owl and insomniac. I can’t even do that though, it’s in my honour. 

There’s a big timer to our album release, like it’s New Year’s or something. In less than four hours, our second album will have launched. 

I turn away from the clock. 

“Drink?” Michael appears from nowhere with a can of lemonade. “Hey, you have your nose crinkle again.” 

I rub my forehead. “I’m fine.” 

“Crinkle says otherwise.” 

I shrug, “the crinkle is my make-up artists problem.” 

“Hey, if you want to get away from the party for a bit later, we can hide out and watch a film.” 

It’s a nice offer but I don’t feel up for it. All Micahel has are Disney DVDs anyway. I don’t like fairy tales. 

“I’ll be fine.” I take the lemonade and step away. “Guess I should get ready before it starts.” 

Michael opens his mouth to say something else but I duck away before he can. 

* * *

> **Lucas** **✔** **| @lucas-ryan-sings**

**Are you ready for the Midnight release of** **#burnitalldown**

[Photo of the band with a big digital clock in the background. Lucas is in the front, with Tori and Becky on either side. Michael does a peace sign at the back of Charlie’s head.]

35k replies |28k retweets | 50k likes 

**Replying to @lucas-ryan-sings:**

> _@solitarian11_
> 
> Its happening guys 
> 
> [The Office gif] 
> 
> _@queen-tori_
> 
> Ahh! They all look so good! 
> 
> _@torcas-stan_
> 
> so are we going to talk about how close tori and lucas are here or?? 
> 
> _@Emma-99_ (replying to @torcas-stan) 
> 
> yeah bc they're friends?? leave them alone??
> 
> _@torcas-stan_ (replying to @Emma-99) 
> 
> okayyy enjoy being blind to the obvious couple haha 

* * *

The stupid clock ticks down from one hour to fifty-nine minutes. 

People cheer. 

I feel like my fate is sealed. 

The room is so full of people I can’t see anyone I know. Just random celebrities milling around, talking about our music but not really seeing me. I close my eyes and find them full of tears. 

“Tor?” Becky’s arm is around me and she giggles, drunk. “Hey, nearly there! Happy New Year!” She kisses my cheek and leaves a pink stain. And it’s fine, friends are like that, Becky is like that, but it’s also not because all I can think is _Twitter will make this into a big deal._

I find a bathroom and rub at the pink stain with wet tissue. In my awful, slightly tipsy brain, I think: _shouldn't I have someone for this._

“Tori?” Lucas pushes the bathroom door open and stumbles in. He’s holding something clear that is either vodka or water. “You alright?” 

I point at the pink smudge on my face. 

“Let me help.” 

I usually wouldn’t but I’m just sick of being alone and confused. Seeing a friendly face is enough. He wipes my cheek gently and then pats it softly. 

“Do you ever think… they’re right?” 

“Who?” 

He leans in and I shriek and the glass shatters. 

“Shit,” Lucas says. “I didn’t even- I shouldn’t have-” 

“I need air.” I don’t wait for a reply, just run for it, as best as I can in heels. 

I brush past Charlie and Nick, kissing softly in the corner. Past Becky and her group of friends, passing around a bottle of wine and laughing. 

I reach the door and step out, immediately soaked by the heavy rainfall. I don’t stop for an umbrella, I just run.

* * *

**Lucas**

> **im sorry**
> 
> **where did u go**
> 
> **I need to get away**
> 
> **from me??**
> 
> **From everything**
> 
> **come back pleas**
> 
> **tori??** ****

  
  


* * *

Now I’m out, I don't know where to go. It’s not quite midnight but the streets are empty, thanks to the storm. I must look a mess, my hair plastered to my head, make-up all kinds of messy. All I have is my leather jacket. 

I think I want to quit the band. It’s all too complicated - Lucas thinking he’s in love with me, all the shows and fake smiles and missing Ollie’s birthday. I don’t feel like a real person anymore. 

There’s nowhere to go so I keep walking, though the storm and away from everything. 

I just hope if I walk far enough, I’ll find what I’m looking for. 

Something to believe in. 

* * *

**Becky**

> **Tori i lobe you come dance**
> 
> **Where dod uou go girl?**

* * *

I missed the release. My phone says it's past Midnight, inching towards one. I don’t know where I am, just that it’s cold and quiet and lonely. 

A group of drunk girls walk past. “Head up babe!” One yells at me. 

I almost smile. 

I wish I grabbed my coat with my purse in it. Then I could stay somewhere or call a cab. My phone is almost dead and then I really will be alone. It’s what I thought i always wanted - to be cut off from technology and fans and have some peace to think. 

My phone buzzes. It’s only at ten percent, if I want help, I’ll have to accept it now. 

Maybe it’s the cold but I do. 

Running isn’t working. 

* * *

**Incoming call**

**Michael**

**ACCEPT | DECLINE**

* * *

“You're okay,” Micahel blurts out. “Tori, I thought something bad happened.” 

“Kinda. I did something stupid.” 

“That’s okay.” 

Here’s the thing: I would have only picked up for him. Because Michael’s voice is sunshine and positivity and I’m stuck in the cold. 

“I don’t know where to start. I ran away and that was dumb and-” This sounds so much like a cry for help I almost stop. “I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in the band.” 

“Those aren’t the only options,” he says. “Talk to me, I’ll listen. And we can get you a car. Somewhere safe.” 

“Thank you,” I whisper. 

* * *

**NOW**

I step out of the Uber, leaving an embarrassing wet patch behind. I’m still shivering as I push open the door to our flat. 

“Oh my God! Tori!” 

I half expected angry yelling. But it’s the opposite, everyones just staring at me in silence. 

“Um, hi guys.” I push my wet hair out my face. “Look, I’m sorry I-” 

“Where did you go?” Charlie asks softly. “You just disappeared-” 

“We thought you left the band.” 

Becky elbows Lucas. “We thought something bad happened.” 

Michael wraps a blanket around my shoulders, his hands linger there for a moment, as if he’s considering giving me a hug. Instead, he asks: “Tori, seriously, are you okay?” 

“What did we miss?” Becky asks. “What aren’t you telling us? Aren't you happy anymore?” 

“I’m just… cold.” One problem at a time. 

“Tea,” Nick says decisively, like it will solve everything. 

“Sit down. Tori, what’s wrong?” 

“I don’t want to go on tour. I hate the noise, I miss home. I don’t get to make my own choices. I don’t feel real anymore.” 

Tea is pushed in my hands. I’m not sure I have the strength to pick it up. 

“You are real. We love you. And you’re not the only one who finds it hard.” 

“I can’t date the person I want because I’m always on tour,” Becky says. “Her name’s Raine. I’d like you guys to meet her one day.” 

“I always wanted to be a skater.” 

“I still struggle to eat three times a day.” 

We all look at Lucas. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to date because of the band. No one else gets it.” 

“But you’re not alone.” Michael reaches for my hand and I let him. “We’ll get you help. Starting now.” 

“It can wait till morning.” 

“Tori,” he says, “your lips are blue.” 

* * *

> **Solitaire star Victoria Spring is hospitalised**
> 
> ...Despite delaying their planned tour, fans have been pouring out support for Victoria Spring. The ‘get well soon’ project has united Solitaire fans all over the world in concern of the health of the keyboardist… 

* * *

**AFTER**

Hypothermia is one way to get out of a tour. I’ve been in a private hospital for a week now. For once, scrolling through Twitter has been nice - there’s all these videos of fans holding up signs saying they love me. I guess for them, it’s something to believe in. 

My friends have hardly left my side. We talked about the band and I’m not sure if I’m staying. But the tour is off till my lungs are better and we agreed not to sign on for another album yet, even though Lucas is already writing songs. 

One was for me - an apology song. He’;s not actually in love with me I think. Maybe the idea of me. Or the fans’ idea of me. The pretty, well put together Tori. I think seeing me with mascara down my face having a breakdown made me seem more human. He’s gone back to calling me a gremlin now, which is as far from romance that I can think. 

I’m going to start seeing Charlie’s therapist. 

I’m not sure what the future will hold for me. But I know now that I’m not alone. 

All I know is that I’m here. And I’m alive. And I’m not alone.

That’s my something to believe in.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it! I tried to end on a nice positive note - of healing and hope. What we all need in this new year lol. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are my lifeblood :)


End file.
